My Rating: **
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Starring Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie
First things first; Beowulf is a visual wonder. The green screen animation is truly beautiful and magnificent. But that's the only good thing about. The rest is a tepid epic that tries to be the Danish "300", which I didn't like either, but "300"'s over exaggerated manner will be one to remember. Enough about "300" and back to "Beowulf". When King Hrothgar builds the most badass mead hall, the Danes celebrate loudly, and it pisses off the freaky looking Grendel (that was played by Crispin Glover, would believe, Marty McFly's daddy). Grendel kills some people and out of this tragedy comes the Geat warrior Beowulf. Now unlike what the movie's animation suggests, the actor playing Beowulf is Ray Winstone. Yes, fat and incredibly Cockney Ray Winstone. Beowulf is full of pride and you can tell it. He's an arrogant son of a bitch. And Ray Winstone, who is a great character actor (see "The Departed" and "The Proposition"), is reduced to shouting all of his lines. Beowulf is a badass, but how he kills Grendel is sooooo uninteresting. Beowulf basically waddles around naked and then he shouts out the "I'm trying to be the next "300" line" "I AM BEOWULF!". Then he bangs Angelina Jolie and then lies about it, Waits several years, becomes an old man, then he has to fight his dragon child. If you like visuals, then good ahead, watch Beowulf. If you like visual dick jokes, then go ahead watch Beowulf. If you like a poorly adapted epic film that has wooden acting, then this film is for you. The epic is no longer a study on how pride can bring you down, but an epic that has been turned into a study on how having kids with Angelina Jolie can be a bad idea. Sorry Brad. If only I can get Ray Winstone to say "DON'T SEE BEOWULF!".